There are times when it is necessary to confront a person who sinned against you. In such cases, unconditional forgiveness is not an option. These generally involve more serious sins, not petty or picayune complaints, but soul-threatening sins or transgressions that endanger the fellowship of saints. In such situations Luke 17:3 applies: “If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.” In such cases, if a brother or sister in Christ refuses to repent, the discipline process outlined in Matthew 18 applies.

Here are some guidelines for determining when such confrontation is necessary:

If you observe a serious offense that is a sin against someone other than you, confront the offender. Justice does not permit a Christian to cover a sin against someone else. I can unilaterally and unconditionally forgive a personal offense when I am the victim, because it is I who then bears the wrong. But when I see that someone else has been sinned against, it is my duty to seek justice. (The only exception to this would be when the offended person himself chooses to ignore a personal slight or insult. This was the case when David forbade Abishai to wreak vengeance against Shimei.)

While we are entitled, and even encouraged, to overlook wrongs committed against us, Scripture everywhere forbids us to overlook wrongs committed against another.

• Exodus 23:6: “You shall not pervert the justice due to your needy brother in his dispute.”

• Deuteronomy 16:20: “Justice, and only justice, you shall pursue.”

• Isaiah 1:17: “Learn to do good; seek justice, reprove the ruthless, defend the orphan, plead for the widow.”

• Isaiah 59:15–16: “Yes, truth is lacking; and he who turns aside from evil makes himself a prey. Now the Lord saw, and it was displeasing in His sight that there was no justice. And He saw that there was no man, and was astonished that there was no one to intercede.”

• Jeremiah 22:3: “Thus says the Lord, ‘Do justice and righteousness, and deliver the one who has been robbed from the power of his oppressor. Also do not mistreat or do violence to the stranger, the orphan, or the widow; and do not shed innocent blood in this place.’”

• Lamentations 3:35–36: “To deprive a man of justice in the presence of the Most High, to defraud a man in his lawsuit—of these things the Lord does not approve.”

It is not our prerogative to “forgive” someone for an offense against another. Therefore, those who witness such an offense have a duty to confront the offender with his or her transgression.

When ignoring an offense might hurt the offender, confrontation is required. Sometimes choosing to overlook an offense might actually injure the offender. In such cases it is our duty to confront in love.

Galatians 6:1–2 says, “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (NKJV).

The word translated “overtaken” in that passage literally means “caught.” It can signify two things. It might mean that the person was discovered in some secret transgression. Or it could mean that the person is ensnared in some sinful habit. Either way, confrontation is necessary. Overlooking the sin is not an option. Love for the sinning brother requires that you confront and seek to restore. This is an essential part of bearing one another’s burdens (v. 2).

Sins that require confrontation because of their potential for harm to the sinning person include serious doctrinal error, moral failure, repeated instances of the same offense, sinful habits or destructive tendencies, or any other transgression that poses a serious danger to the offender’s spiritual well-being.

In all such cases, confrontation should be motivated by love and a desire for the offender’s good. Such confrontation should never be used to gratify a thirst for personal vengeance, to punish the offender, or to fulfill any other self-aggrandizing purposes. That is why Galatians 6:1 expressly says those who are “spiritual” should deal with the sinning individual.

Ironically, these are the circumstances in which confrontation is the hardest. We are easily tempted to confront the sins we should overlook and to overlook the ones we should confront. But whether the situation calls for forbearance or confrontation, the primary motivation should always be love for the offender (as well as for the offended).

When a sin is scandalous or otherwise potentially damaging to the body of Christ, confrontation is essential. Some sins have the potential to defile many people. Hebrews 12:15 warns of such dangers: “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.”

The responsibility is incumbent on every member of the body not only to “stimulate one another to love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24), but also to exhort one another, so that no one becomes hardened through “the deceitfulness of sin” (Hebrews 3:13).

The apostle Paul rebuked the Corinthians for their failure to confront and deal with scandalous sin within the flock. One of their members was having sexual relations with “his father’s wife” (1 Corinthians 5:1)—probably his stepmother; the sin carried such a stigma in the culture that it was tantamount to incest. Such sins did “not exist even among the Gentiles.” Even the rankest pagans in Corinth were scandalized by the sin in that church.

Paul rebuked them: “you are puffed up, and have not rather mourned,” (v. 2, NKJV). “Puffed up” is from a Greek expression that literally means “inflated.” It speaks of pride. Perhaps, as is true of many today, the Corinthians’ pride was in their tolerance. They may have been boasting in the very fact that they were not so “narrow-minded” as to make an issue out of this man’s misdeeds.

Paul rebuked them harshly: “Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?” (v. 6). He ordered them to excommunicate the offender, who, he said, needed to be “removed from [their] midst” (v. 2).

Open sin is always a scandal in the church and must be dealt with. It is not our prerogative to “forgive” those intent on living lives of flagrant disobedience. The entire church suffers when this sort of sin is permitted to exist. Such sin is like leaven, working its way through a lump of dough. Covering such sins, overlooking the evil, is never the right thing in such situations. This sort of sin must be rebuked.

Any time an offense results in a broken relationship, formal forgiveness is an essential step toward reconciliation. Any sort of offense that causes a breach in relationships simply cannot be overlooked. Both the offense and the breach must be confronted, and reconciliation must be sought.

Reconciliation is always the goal when we confront someone about a wrong done. Once again, if your confronting aims at punishing the offender, or if it is simply a means of castigation and censure, you are confronting with the wrong aim in mind. The goal of all righteous confrontation is the repair of a broken relationship and the restoration of the offender.

Whenever there is a broken relationship between Christians, both parties have a responsibility to seek reconciliation. If you are the offended party, Luke 17:3 applies: “If your brother sins, rebuke him.” You are the one who must go to him. If you are the offender, Matthew 5:23–24 applies: “If . . . you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.”

A rift in the relationship between Christians rules out the possibility of the kind of forgiveness that simply overlooks a fault. Whether harsh words have been exchanged or an icy silence prevails, if both sides know that a breach exists, the only way to resolve matters is by the formal granting of forgiveness. Sometimes the wrong is one-sided. Other times it involves admission of wrong and the seeking of forgiveness on both sides.

In any case, reconciliation is essential. If you have committed the offense, it is sinful not to make it right. If you are the offended party, you also have a duty to seek reconciliation—to try to win your brother. There is never any excuse for a Christian on either side of a broken relationship to refuse to pursue reconciliation. The only instance where such a conflict should remain unresolved is if all the steps of discipline in Matthew 18 have been exhausted and the guilty party still refuses to repent.

But even then, you are to hold no bitterness in your heart, and you are to love that offender as you love your enemies, with a longing for their spiritual well-being and restoration to fellowship. “Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother” (2 Thessalonians 3:15). Though no formal transaction of forgiveness is possible, the heart holds no ill will, and reconciliation remains the goal.

Furthermore, if you are the guilty party, you have a responsibility to pursue reconciliation quickly. This is repeatedly emphasized in Scripture. For example, Matthew 5:23–24 suggests that if you are in the middle of an act of worship and you remember that you have offended a brother, you are to leave your gift at the altar, and “first be reconciled to your brother.” In such a case reconciliation of a broken relationship takes precedence over worship!

That makes reconciliation a very high priority, indeed, for it even takes precedence over worship offered to the Lord. In fact, worship is normally the supreme priority in the Christian’s life. But there is this one exception: when you know you have offended a brother or sister. Then the first priority is the reconciling of the broken relationship.

In such cases, especially if you have committed a wrong, your duty is to seek reconciliation without delay (Matthew 5:25–26). Those who delay or impede the reconciliation process will reap additional punishment. The allusion is to divine chastisement, and the verse implies that God Himself will enforce the penalty due to those who defer such an urgent duty.

Even so, reconciliation is not always possible. There are times when the offended party can do nothing other than suffer the wrongdoing of the offender. Next time, we will see how Scripture tells us to respond in such a situation.

(Adapted from The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness)